I have never wanted someone more.
on top of the co-workers desk. across the kitchen table. the warm hood of a parked car. in the park. in the snow. in the sun. soaked to the bone with rain. going up. yet down. in the garden. on the dock, hanging into the lake. almost to the bed. almost.
every fiber. every nerve. in flesh. in body. in blood. in sin.
a want. a need. a burden. of impossible circumstances.
I am still unable to overcome. wanting. waiting. wanting.
such a vicious love.
nothing else comes close. i am ruined. nothing else will satisfy.
the moment i met those eyes. a born sinner. for one man.
I wish I had a lie detector
instead of an instinctual lack of trust.
A strip of rawhide
’round my wrist
Memories known to
been dog eared.
If I could surrender
such a pitiful place
I’d be none the near ‘er.
And here. it is. a rope. a man.
to dangle from
sometimes the choice is not so clear
This is a photograph, linked to post below, is of the Goddess Selket~
“Serqet (Serket, Selqet, Selket, Selkit, Selkis)~ the ancient Egyptian scorpion, goddess of magic.
As with other dangerous goddesses,
she was both a protective goddess,
and one who punished the wrong doers with her burning wrath.
She could punish those with the poison of a scorpion or snake,
causing breathlessness and death,
or she could protect against the same venom.
Yet just as she could kill,
she was thought to give breath to the justified dead,
helping them be reborn in the afterlife.
This Serqet statue protected Tutankhamun in his sarcophagus”
*My parents own the Goddess Selket statue~ in Iowa.
Not even a whisper, of a chance, for me to blend into Midwestern living.
Expectation, to be beyond belief. Those are the terms I was born into. Before one breath accompanied a rise & fall of chest cavity.
A family creed, for each member to uphold, to live life is to be~
over intelligent, extremely well educated~ formally & self taught,
possess heightened abilities of perception & observation,
and have damn fine taste in music & the arts.
I was raised to have the manners & skill set to sit
with ambassadors & royalty.
All the better, if while driving over an emergency repair is necessary
to return the car to working condition, and in formal attire
you handle the matter of fixing the car yourself
still arriving at your destination in pristine style & social demeanor.
Grace under pressure.
Enormous responsibility & expectation.
If you can accomplish all that is expected & required,
pull off such a magic trick so to speak, you receive~
an admiring eye. A hand upon shoulder guiding you across room & floor, to greet formal introductions & more expectation.
But most of all & most importantly of all~ respect,
from two unlikely people. Displaced mad scientists,
who chose the State of Iowa out of 50 perfectly good ones,
to raised their children.
My parents are exceptional.
Logical. Yet. Ethereal.
Often, as I have cherished,
a nonexistent idea of a reality
where normal is born, bred, & breathing normally.
By far, I am more grateful for being raised with a most definite
badass record collection, Detroit Motown included without question.
Experiencing a home,
that never paused to consider stopping dancing
through the wooden structure or life in general.
A leather embossed & bound library,
with levels & levels of classic books.
A place, one can retreat for quiet journey & subtle retreat
or obvious blatant escape.
Allowing, the loss of ones self & ones being,
benefiting & finding a new form a new identity in other worlds.
Never paying much, if any,
mind to being lost or stolen away. from here and now.
Oil paintings hang in every room,
Degas raised me, influencing subconsciousness,
before I ever knew paintings had creators. And artistic births.
There were frequent trips across America,
to various & equally randomly chosen
Frank Lloyd Wright homes.
Discussions detailed~ before, during, and after~ touring
about architectural design, the general state of living.
And other such important philosophical matters to accompany the concrete. structure. presence. form. function. aesthetic beauty. ugliness.
And people, The People, who change the world~
because they see it~ different.
There is more. So much more.
To my very quiet very on guard very on point family.
never breathed outside ancestral lineage.
typed breath. here.
Makes my world seem more real. funny. dead serious. err. real.
I would not change such a world,
for any amount of accumulated wealth,
or promise of future good fortune or past good fortune.
How I was raised, may have made me,
not quite fitting in~ anywhere.
But how I was raised,
has allowed me to find~ myself.
I know & understand the value, to roam far from attachments,
beyond oneself~ you move so far~
to find you were never truly gone.
Outside familiar frames of reference,
& far away from home.
Everywhere, on this named Earth,
a stand out not quite a part~ from a crowd,
not quite with a crowd.
Another gentle reminder, about life,
intricacies & nuances.
These thoughts, as I anticipate the sun to rise,
and perhaps to see shine~ from such a star.
Are for my small, incredibly & beautifully, abnormal family.
Who taught me, how to live~ with others.
Yet. Create my own vision~ of life & love & death & all the numerous
filler experiences in-between~ the big time stuff~
We experience, in so many different~ ways and times and places~
and again and yet again and not again and oh this again ways.
If. I stand to live~ by & on & for & according~ to my own terms.
Against. Critical eyes, having & showing~ respect~
for each & every individual~ no matter~
rich or poor, formally educated or self educated, deserving or undeserving. bastards or saints. divine. Remaining true to oneself. Honors all of us.
It is the wait.
For the sun~ to rise,
it may or may not shine through this day,
but given enough days to rise~ one day the sun,
will likely get through~ to shine.
And the world, will be a little warmer~ a little brighter.
A sun rising to shine. A person rising to shine.
~ for a day.
Meant, to make this world~ little warmer. little brighter.
If we are fortunate.
With our lives~ A day. A moment. Great. Terrifying. Yet. Worth it.
Our unique abilities,
placed among so many~ here.
Our true selves~ Stand. to. Shine. too.
A person. A permanent~ change.
To how & why & what is seen & known. To the world.
A day, come. A day, gone.
Is the world. Will the world. Will this world~be unmistakably~ brighter. Because, You~ were here. And, You~ were true.
Not afraid, to live. Not afraid, to stand.
Not afraid, under critical eye. Not afraid, under condescending glare.
Not afraid, to be here~ truly here~ Not afraid, to live.
To believe~ one day.
You will, shine~ for a day.
The odds are favorable~ here.
And what a vision, to behold~ that day.
The World. made.
Permanently ~ Brighter.